Breathe
by nelliskinkyinbed
Summary: Suddenly your heartbeat was in overdrive, and you thought your chest was about to burst from how hard your heart is thumping against your ribcage, but you weren't worried, and you never thought you would be again. It was like a new kind of drug had been realised into your system, that numbed everything but the five senses. Now it was no longer about thinking. Tag to Unwritten Rule.


You think maybe, maybe just this once you can loosen the reins and show some of the emotion he does. You want him to know you care back, that the long looks and half smiles don't go unnoticed. To show you were just as invested in this "partnership" as he was, but you can't- it's difficult. You're not use to expressing your emotions broadly like he does, it's not like you don't want to- you do want to, because you hate seeing that fallen look in his darling green eyes, but anytime it comes close, you falter. You'll dismiss him, turn down his affectionate words and pretend as though they didn't exist.

You wanted to tell him your saw them all, and that it made you feel warm and happy inside, but the fear of rejection was always a larger factor, and it had always been something you were scared of. Even though his adoration was written clear as day all over his face, there was always doubt festering it's thoughts in the back of your mind- everyone was always telling you how great that was. Even so you would ignore his advances and feel like garbage inside.

You wish you didn't have these issues, you wished you were normal, and could process thoughts of the heart without analysing it to microscopic proportions. But even after many years of seeing someone to battle your Type A with borderline ADD before you came to Los Angeles, it still troubled you at the worst of times. Not that you could reasonably place your problems on other people. You just didn't want it to be so damn difficult to show one of the closest people to you, that _yes, I do have feelings for you but I can't express them like a regular person so please don't hate me._

Tonight had been the worst of it, you were leaving the bar with the rest of the team, and like the gentleman he was, offered to walk you to your car, even though the two of you parked side by side. But after the five minute journey of comfortable silence and your shoulder bumping his arm- which always gave you a sense of closeness- you were at your vehicles, but you couldn't help but notice his gaze casting over you _(and also the fact his eyes seemed to illuminate under the moonlight) _he was concerned. Worried about how you had been knocked down only a few hours ago- needing to know if you were okay, adding in it was the first time you had shot your gun, and that maybe you wanted to talk to someone about it. He then softly mumbled he was the last one for advice on guns, but was always willing to talk to you anytime you needed it.

And you saw it, the emotions that played behind his eyes and that were threaded through the words spoken so gently. You felt weightless, all light and content as he was putting a lot of his heart on the line to just make sure you were fine for the moment. You thought you could do it, break down your own walls and let him in like you knew you had wanted for a while now.

But for once you weren't as brave as him. You pushed him away again, you kicked dirt over his efforts, and you couldn't even look him in the eyes when you did. You then kept your gaze on the white line of the car park and mumbled an apology before getting into your mini.

There you could hate yourself, there you could place your head on the steering wheel in defeat, wondering why Eric kept trying to help you if you always gave the same selfish response. You didn't deserve someone willing to put so much time and effort into someone he could never be certain on, especially Eric, who by all counts was a very attractive and nice guy, and it was a wonder that he didn't already have someone else.

You sat in the car for a good thirty minutes open planning your options. One where you apologised and tried to make up for before, where you could talk to him about today, and also show him that you were trying your best to be normal.

You took the long drive to house, thinking over everything, you were almost there when you remembered thinking had gotten you into this mess in the first place, and it hit you that maybe, maybe for once don't think. Don't over think everything, don't think steps ahead, don't think about what if's. Just breathe. When you're unsure or nervous, just breathe through it.

When he opened the door and saw you, he looked surprised, his eyes then narrowed as they looked to your cheek, in the light the upcoming bruise was more prominent on your jaw. _Breathe. _But without questioning he allowed you inside. You stayed close to him as he shut the door, and remained the same as you walked into his lounge. You moved away finally to sit on the sofa, none of you had spoken a word yet, but he sat down beside you. And like he can read your mind, his arms wrap around you and you fall into his chest.

His breathing was slow, and you counted his heart beat, like always 72 beats per minute. Normal. He whispers against you head, "You still want to talk?" You shake your head but then nod, and you listen to the soft laugh rumble out of his throat. "Well, what is it, Nellster?" he spoke again, his gentle breaths against your hair.

You pushed yourself up, and your faces are close, but there's not lust between the several inches, just his concerned look, and you cautious features. "I want to apologise," you felt his hand begin to move up and down your back in a reassuring manner, unsurprisingly it calmed you. _Breathe. _"I want to apologise for shooting you down all the time, especially tonight. It was actually kinda' rude seeing as all you wanted to know was if I was alright... which was really nice of you actually. I know at times I can be a little hard to work with-"

"A little?" he smirked.

You rolled your eyes and poked his chest, "Let me finish," you took in another breath. "And I'm aware there's this... situation between us where we can be very close sometimes due to the seriousness of or work." Your eyes drop and you feel more anxious than you have all night. _Breathe_ "And I see the affections that you seem to have-"

His jaw dropped slightly, "Uh, Sh- Should I stop? I know at times I get a bit close and whenever I see another guy around you I maybe get more than needed, but that's only because, well, I like us. But if you want me to stop I will, I just want to know where we stand... It can be a bit hard to tell sometimes," his voice sounded so innocent, and you noticed his hand stop, which unsettled you.

_Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. _"No, but that's another reason I came over here I want you to know, that even if I don't exactly come across like it, I do like it when you smile just at me, or do some little thing for me, or make a comment that makes me smile, I don't not notice it. I just find it hard to express myself like a normal person or even act like someone that has control of themselves, and I know it seems like I do, but I don't, I just suppress it all, I push it away. Like I do with you, but I don't want to, and I'm sorry." Your eyes meet his again, have you just messed up by letting it all out? You notice a smile growing on his lips and you're taken back. Your eyes narrow and you feel the anxiety rising in your chest again cutting off your breath. "Forget it," you pushed away from him and got off the sofa, but he grips your hand.

It's not tight, or too gently either, his fingers thread through yours, but the care in his actions is what you notice most. It's in the way he sits up and puts his other hand on the small of your back, a silent attempt of asking you to sit back down. "I wasn't making fun of you, you should know that, I just, I'm not use to being so open with me. Can you listen to what I have to say now?" there's a pleading tone in his words.

You moved back, taking your position beside him again, "What is it?"

"First of all, don't be so hard on yourself. You are normal, pretty much perfect okay? And the "issues" you think you think you have they're just little "Nellism" which, I think, really are the best parts of you. So don't be sorry for being you okay, I like you just how you are... That's why I'm still trying."

As he uttered those words you swore your heart had stopped. A shade of pink graced the tops of your cheeks as you searched his eyes, a smile playing your parted lips, that quickly turned to a grin. You forgot to breathe this time and you leaned forward, capturing his lips. You were surprised by his quick reaction this time, and you felt him deepen the kiss, one of his hands moved to the back of your neck as he pushed forward gently. Suddenly your heartbeat was in overdrive, and you thought your chest was about to burst from how hard your heart is thumping against your ribcage, but you weren't worried, and you never thought you would be again. It was like a new kind of drug had been realised into your system, that numbed everything but the five senses. Now it was no longer about thinking. You felt him smile against you, and you smile back because you don't in all your time in Los Angeles, think you've ever been this happy. His hand on your back moved and you felt his fingers draw patterns over the fabric of your shirt. It took you a moment but you figure out he's spelling on your back.

You move back after you become breathless, and you're foreheads pressed together, the both of you having no control of the grins that claimed your lips. Your hands cup his cheeks and this were warm too. Suddenly his head jerked up and he looked towards the ceiling. Your brow furrowed, "Eric?"

His eyes come back down to yours, a glint of humour in his irises, "Just checking to see there's no mistletoe this time."

You rolled your eyes, "Idiot," poking his chest once more, you then rested your head back by the crook of his neck.

"Your idiot."

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**Thanks for reading xx**


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